Dear Sagebrush Sally,
I’m struggling with the gap between how people in Tecopa act online and how they act in person. On the internet, a simple comment can turn into a misunderstanding or a full-blown argument—people assume tone, read things into words that weren’t meant, or pile on based on half a screenshot. But then I run into those same people at the post office or the hot springs and everyone is perfectly polite, even friendly, like none of it ever happened.
It leaves me wondering what’s real. Are we all just performing versions of ourselves online? Are we swallowing what we really think in person? Or are we just constantly misreading each other through screens and bad signals?
How do we keep small-town relationships intact when the online version of us keeps getting in the way of the real-life version?
— Mixed Signals in Tecopa
Dear Mixed Signals in Tecopa,
You’ve put your finger on one of the strangest things about living in a small town in the internet age: the same person who sounds like they’re ready to go to war in a Facebook thread will cheerfully ask how your day is while you’re both waiting for the mail. It’s enough to make anyone wonder which version is real.
Here’s the hard truth: both of them are. Online, people are half-blind and half-brave. They can’t see your face, hear your tone, or feel the way you’re trying to say something, so they fill in the blanks with their own fears, frustrations, and assumptions. A sentence you typed in a hurry lands like a slap. A question meant in good faith gets read as an attack. And once folks are wound up, they start talking to the story in their heads instead of the actual person on the other side.
In person, all that extra information comes back: body language, eye contact, history, the fact that you once helped them dig out their car or watched their dog. It’s much harder to turn a neighbor into a villain when they’re standing three feet away asking how your back is doing. So people default to “normal”—which sometimes means kind, sometimes means conflict-avoidant, and often means “let’s just not bring it up.”
If you want to keep your relationships intact, treat the internet like what it is: a bad translator. Don’t assume the worst about what someone meant, and don’t assume your own meaning came through clearly just because you typed it that way. When something feels off, skip the guessing game and go straight to: “Hey, that thread got weird. Can we talk in person?”
Have the conversation on a porch, not in a comment section. You’ll be amazed how much evaporates once people are looking each other in the eye.
You can also choose to be one of the rare people who refuses to be meaner online than you are in real life. Write as if the person you’re talking about is going to be standing next to you at the bathhouse tomorrow—because they probably will be. Ask clarifying questions instead of firing back. If you’re too heated to type without jabbing the keys, that’s your cue to set the phone down and go look at the sky for a while.
As for what’s “real”? Here’s my take: the person you see in line at the post office is the one you have to build a life with. The online version is what you get when tired, scared, busy, or lonely people try to communicate through a keyhole. Give more weight to how someone shows up in the flesh—but don’t ignore when the online pattern keeps repeating. That’s a sign to either clear the air, or quietly step back.
In a place as small as Tecopa, we can’t afford to let bad wi-fi connections and grumpy typing do what floods and heat haven’t managed: break us apart. Assume less, ask more, and save the serious stuff for when you can hear each other breathe.
— Sagebrush Sally
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